


someday i will lose you (to the stars and moon)

by etonnant67



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Character Study, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, astronaut Kun, dancer ten, this is v self indulgent just go with it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:20:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29976585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etonnant67/pseuds/etonnant67
Summary: Ten loves Kun. Kun loves Ten, but Kun has always has his eyes set on the stars.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun
Comments: 7
Kudos: 38





	someday i will lose you (to the stars and moon)

**Author's Note:**

> i just really like space, y'all.
> 
> title from "someday i will lose you" by mat kerekes.

Ten unlocks the door, walking into the quiet darkness of his apartment. He feels around out of habit--toeing off his shoes, hitting the light switch on with his elbow. He hangs his keys on the second hook next to the door like he always does. He tries not to linger on the emptiness of the hook next to it.

There’s a quiet meow and a soft pitter patter of paws on the linoleum floor. 

“Hey there,” he croons as he bends down to scratch Leon behind the ears. Leon purrs and presses himself against Ten’s palm. His warm fur feels good on Ten’s fingers, cold after spending all day out in the frosty early March day.

Ten straightens up and goes into the kitchen, aware of Leon trailing along after him. It’s dark in here too, but he doesn’t bother with the lights. He just pulls the blinds back, letting the slow glimmer of the city lights work its way through the windows. It’s not bright enough to do more than cast the countertops and old wooden table in gray shadow, but it’s enough for Ten. He hasn’t seen the new fullness of his home’s emptiness. At least not yet. He’s not ready to face it. Not just yet.

He refills Leon’s water bowl, measures out a serving of kibble. Leon stares at him, his head cocked to the side, eyes glowing in the low light before starting in on his dinner. Ten watches him eat for a moment, before turning away and reaching into the cabinet.

He’s not really hungry so he makes himself tea, taking out a tea bag and filling his mug with hot water from the water boiler he’d talked Kun into buying last year. The bitter smell of green tea rises with the hot steam and Ten breathes in deeply, wrapping his fingers around the ceramic waiting for the heat to become unbearable.

He carries the mug into the bedroom, leaving the door cracked for Leon to follow when he’s ready. They’d left the blinds open this morning so the same blue-gold glow follows Ten into the bedroom, streaking across the neatly made bed and spilling across the wood floorboards. 

He places his tea on the nightstand before shucking off his jeans and slipping his hoodie off. He lets the clothes pool on the floor, something that Kun would hate. But he’s not here to scowl at him so Ten leaves them there. He’ll get them later.

He slips under the sheets, his legs sliding across the soft cotton. He doesn’t lay down, not yet. Instead, he props himself up against the headboard. He picks his tea up and blows through the steam. 

Ten sighs, looks up at the ceiling. Looks up at the glow in the dark stars he’d stuck up there as a joke when they’d first moved in. 

_ Is this galaxy big enough for you? _ He’d said to Kun when he’d come in and seen Ten’s handiwork.  _ Now you can see the stars every night _ .

Kun had laughed and tackled him down onto the bed, pressing Ten down into the mattress. Ten remembers the way that Kun had pressed kisses all over his face and neck, he remembers the slow touch of Kun’s fingers against his sides, slow and hot. They’d ended up fucking, hot and desperate but still playful in the way that sex with Kun always was. Thinking about it now makes Ten ache.

Kun had always been like that. A mess of perfect contradictions but still easy like breathing. Kun made sense where Ten was chaos; Kun was simple where Ten was complicated. Seven years together and the two of them together were confusing and messy but simple and straightforward. The perfect fact was that they were meant for each other. Kun gave Ten structure. Ten likes to think that he gave Kun the world.

But Ten had always known that the world wasn’t enough for Kun. Kun had always wanted the moon, the stars, the galaxy. He wanted the universe. Kun wanted to break through the sky. He had always dreamed of the stars and then some.

Ten is a lot of things. But he’s not brave like Kun. He doesn’t let himself dream like that.

He takes a sip of his tea, letting the hot sting wash over his tongue. He hisses at the burn and leans his head back against the massive pile of pillows, sinking in. Kun loves pillows, loves to nest into them at night, loves to pull Ten in with him--the two of them surrounded by a cocoon of soft warmth. It always made the entire world shrink down to the two of them every night, cushioned in their dreams.

He’d always wondered what it could be like to dream like Kun. To even consider reaching for the stars, finding a pocket of the galaxy to call his own. To set his sights on ripping through the constructed rules of the universe, to bend possibility and physics, to defy gravity and float. To be weightless. To let himself think that he deserves to be up  _ there _ sharing the same space as the stars.

But Ten has always been practical, always grounding himself in what he could see, what he could always reach out and touch. He shouldn’t have wanted Kun to start with. He’d first met him at a post-finals house party at the end of his freshman year of college. Johnny and Jaehyun had dragged him out, saying that he had no excuse to hole himself up in the dance studio or in his dorm anymore and “wouldn’t he  _ live a little _ ?” 

  
The party had been mediocre by any standard: crowded and loud, mysterious jungle juice stewing in a huge plastic Home Depot bucket, bass heavy hip hop thrumming in the living room, a mass of sweaty bodies moving along to the beat.

Kun had been in the basement, sitting at the floor of the couch, a red Solo cup in hand. He’d been leaning against the legs of a guy that Ten recognized from his literature seminar (Dejun? maybe?) and laughing, his entire face lit up. He’d stopped laughing when Ten had wandered his way down, Kun’s eyes tracking each of Ten’s steps. Ten had felt his face run hot under the attention, had felt self-conscious and uneasy. But he’d gone over to him anyway, striking up a conversation with Dejun, asking him how he’d felt the final had gone.

_I’m Kun_ , he'd said, interrupting them. He’d held out a hand, weirdly formal. _I don’t think I know you?_

_Ten._ He’d grasped Kun’s hand in his own, feeling how strong and warm his palm had felt against his own.

_You go to Columbia too?_ Kun held Ten’s stare, looking straight into his eyes.

_Technically,_ Ten had said. He still hadn’t let go of Kun’s hand. _I’m a dual-degree. I’m also at Julliard._

_Me too._ Kun had dropped his hand and scooted over, patting the space on the floor next to him. _Physics and piano performance._ Kun smiled up at him, his dimples crinkling.

Ten had known then that he wanted to get to know that smile, learn its grooves, figure out what makes it come to life. He’d known that he’d do whatever it takes to make that smile come out just for him. So he sat down.

_Linguistics and dance_ , he'd said.

The smile that Kun had given him in response was enough to make the night freeze.

They’d exchanged numbers after that. Then they’d started texting. Then they’d become inseparable.

Kun was kind and smart and attentive. Kun was everything and then some. 

Ten’s life has always felt like an uphill sprint: work, practice, train, learn, start again. He’d sweated out countless hours in the dance studio, long nights in the library. He took pride in pushing himself, in feeling music thrumming through the air, vibrating into his bones. He picked apart endless hours stretched until he found the extra seconds hiding in between each minute, only through willing his limbs to move to his every command, only through doing and re-doing each movement and dissecting every single one of his own failures. Every mistake pressed down on him like lead, keeping his feet firmly on the ground. Ten has never felt weightless. Weightlessness only comes with perfection. Ten wasn't there yet. He has forever to go.

But Kun had fought for perfection, chased it down and pinned it to the ground. Kun was surefire and head strong and certain in each of his steps. Kun was top of his class in his major. He TA’d the intro astrophysics lecture, he RA’d for the physics department head. He spent hours practicing piano, composing song after song like he was pulling the melodies out of thin air. Everything seemed to come easily to Kun, like he was unmoored from the ground, like he was floating on air, like he defied science. Like gravity didn’t apply.

_ I want to be up there _ . He’d said to Ten one night, on one of their first dates. Kun had decided to surprise Ten, talking him into staying out well past midnight, the two of them sneaking up on to the roof of the architecture building, blanket and a bottle of wine in tow. They’d lay down on their backs, staring up what little of the stars they could see through the New York City light pollution. 

_ What, with the satellites? _ Ten had jabbed back.  _ It’s too bright to see stars here _ .

_ You know what I mean _ . Kun had pulled Ten in close, settling him into the curve of his side. Ten remembers turning on his side, stretching his arm across Kun’s torso, cuddling in close. He remembers the way Kun had felt--warm and solid--and the way he’d smelled--like soap and cedar and sweat and violets.  _ I’ll be up there one day. That’s what I want, more than anything. _

Kun always talked about finding a way to fly. He was fascinated by the sky, by the stars.  _ I belong up there _ , he always said.  _ I want to be. _

Kun would talk to him about the solar system, about the moon, about galaxies, about the theory of celestial noise. 

_ What do you think space sounds like?  _ Kun would ask Ten, late at night when the city fell hushed with sleep. 

Ten had always wanted to tell him that space probably sounded like loneliness, like darkness, like the white noise between Ten-- here on Earth, and Kun up in the weightlessness. Ten had always wanted to tell Kun that space probably sounds like loss, like silence, like waiting with your palm pressed against the window.

Instead he didn't say anything at all.

But Kun kept thinking about it, spent hours sitting at the piano, puzzling through the unfathomable. He arranged chords that sound like the air, wove notes that sound like cosmic noise. It took him two months but at the end he sent Ten the mp3 file.

_ Maybe it sounds like this _ , Kun had written in the email. 

Ten listened to the song. Once, twice. Again. It’s beautiful, it’s aching. It’s the right type of lonely and all the different kinds of awed. It’s perfect.

There’s an aborted meow and Ten looks up from where he’s been staring into his tea.  Leon slinks into the bedroom, eyes darting around like he’s searching for something or someone. Like he knows. He meows at the foot of the bed before jumping up on  the bed and crawls across Ten’s lap, dangerously jostling Ten’s mug. Leon settles in the empty space to the left, pawing at the blankets before curling up. Ten smiles down at him before scratching Leon behind the ears. 

“You miss him too, huh?” he whispers. Leon closes his eyes and starts to purr.

“Yeah. Same.”

_ What’s it like?  _ Kun asked him once, the two of them sharing a pillow, whispering in the midnight, faces close, bodies closer, their words suspended in the tiny gasp of air between them. _When you’re on stage?_

_It feels like I’m flying,_ Ten had said. _Like I’ve finally figured out how to be a little more like you._

It’s supposed to take 4 years. Two years there, two years back. The world has been planning for this, Kun keeps saying.  _ How many stories have you heard about space? We’ve been dreaming about going to Mars for millennia.  _

It was no surprise that Kun had been selected to go. He was the perfect candidate--perfect grades, a certified pilot, three years out from his PhD in astrophysics, a rising star at NASA. Of course he’d go. 

Things kicked into overdrive then. Kun spent more time at the training facility; leaving their apartment just after dawn, coming home well after midnight. Ten couldn’t stand the quiet so he did the same--going to the studio and sweating through the day, losing himself in the music, pushing his body in ways he never knew he could. He choreographed intricate pieces that need scores of dancers and he made his students do each part over and over again, wanting it to be perfect.

_ It needs to be unforgettable _ , he told them.  _ It needs to be like nothing anyone has ever seen before _ .

_Don’t forget about me._ Ten had said that first time when Kun had come home, beaming with the news. _Don’t forget about me_. He’d said again--on random mornings, in the early night, in the middle of sex--over and over like a prayer. _Don’t forget about me._ _I’m no good alone. I don’t know what I’ll do when you leave me._

Kun had always smiled at him, easy. Everything was always so easy.

_ How could I ever? _

Kun had come to opening night--Ten’s first real show, the first show where everything was his. Ten had been able to spot him from the wings, had seen Kun in the front row, sitting in between Johnny and Yangyang, a comically large bouquet laid across his lap. It made Ten’s heart swell--that Kun was  _ here _ to see  _ him _ , was just to see _him._

The show was a success, by all accounts. Kun found him backstage afterwards, pulled Ten into his chest.

_ You’re so fucking talented, baby _ , he’d whispered into Ten’s ear.  _ It was beautiful. _

_ Did you notice? _ Ten had asked him.  _ The last song? I used your song. _

_ It’s your song _ . Kun had said.  _ I made it for you, after all. _

Ten had listened to the song all night last night, long after Kun had dropped asleep, the sheets still tangled around them from their last, desperate fucking. He’d hummed it under his breath on the drive over to the launch site and then hummed it louder after Kun had kissed him goodbye, heading inside the terminal to get changed.

_ Don’t you fucking forget me _ , Ten had whispered against Kun’s lips as they’d parted.  _ I love you, don’t forget me _ .

Kun had smiled at him, that same time stopping smile that had won Ten over all those years ago.  _ How could I ever? _

There’s nothing but silence then--silence as Kun walked away, as Ten was shepherded to the spectator’s bridge, as the crowd waited and the camera crews set up. As the astronauts finally came out, waving and smiling at the crowd. As Kun’s eyes scanned around before landing on Ten. Ten didn’t hear anything when Kun raised a hand and waved at him, a soft sort of sadness painted across Kun’s face. Ten didn’t hear anything as the crew loaded up, as the spaceship’s door closed. As the voice over the intercom started the countdown.

_ Ten-nine-eight-seven-six _

As all the other voices around him joined in.

_ Five-four-three-two-one. _

As the flames underneath the rocket ignited, as he watched the spaceship lift off the ground, push itself into the clear blue sky and then go beyond, out of sight. Out of Ten’s imagination.

It was beautiful. It was perfect.

Ten looks through the window. It’s a full moon, big and round enough that its glow beats out the city lights. He reaches a hand up in front of his face, palm spread wide and tries to curl his fingers around the moon. Like he wants to cup it in his hand. He wonders if Kun is looking at the moon right now too. 

_ I want to live up there,  _ Kun had said once, years ago. They’d been walking through Morningside Park, watching the moon rise as they made their way back to the dorms. He’d linked his fingers in Ten’s own, squeezing their hands together. 

Ten hadn’t known how to ask Kun to take him with him.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! hope you liked it~


End file.
